a rugged rock
shapeless and course
spawned from a mountain
rolling with gravitational force
granite, clashing with others,
chipping, grinding, pounded,
a rolling stone becomes
well rounded
by Art~
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(okay, today I would like to ask for your help. I have two versions of this poem, the original and the extremely edited version (the version you just read) Now, here is the poem that originally began. This is the poem that I wrote after going for a walk with the dog and I found a well rounded rock at my feet. Contemplating how many years it took this rock to become so perfectly round, spawned the poem. This will give me an idea rather condensed (haiku like/zen) is truely better than long and drawn out (prose/story).)
Which poem do you like… poem number one
or, poem number two
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a stone
spawned from a mountain
rugged, shapeless and course
plucked by the hands of fate
cast down, clashing
with others of its kind
free falling from a slopes will
eventually submerged
in a river’s dreaded bed
Time toils
irritated by sand and water
pushed around by the current
tossed about, churning
a rolling stone, traveling
bumping into
other speechless rocks
chipping the blocks
off of cold shoulders
settling near
a boulders embrace
where pebbles mingle
decades of stillness, meditation
sun baked days and icy nights
turmoil of grit and mud
pressured by a rapid stream
to uproot and move
a journey guided by gravity
the mountain’s pearl
aged with perseverance
time and patience mastered
tempered by elements
a rolling stone
becomes,
well rounded
Art~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
thank you…
may your day not be so rocky!
zendictive 
9 comments
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October 16, 2011 at 7:49 am
Budz
I like the second (longer) version better =)
October 16, 2011 at 7:53 am
Old Jules
Morning zendictive. I’ll vote for the shorter version on the grounds every word and phrase in a poem ought to have to fight for survival in a war of attrition. Not to say I practice what I preach. Nice work. Jules
October 16, 2011 at 8:08 am
kjpgarcia
I agree with Old Jules and even within the first poem, you can tighten it up a bit more to make it even more powerful in its zen quality.
But, there’s nothing wrong with keeping both poems for two different books or readings or whatever it is you like to do with your writings.
As Raymond Carver said,”Use it all up.” I think sometimes we need to take a line, a subject, a word and use it until we can no longer use it. If you read collections of great poets organized via chronology, often you’ll see poems which are very similar due to their creation. In this, we often see how many ways there are to say the same thing differently.
October 16, 2011 at 9:07 am
John Northcutt Young
I vote for #1—tighter text and appearance.
October 16, 2011 at 10:07 am
Janece
I think they’re BOTH terrific for different reasons.
Me? I’d combine the two…editing out a little extra flesh on Version 2 (which was so rich and descriptive) with the “Bare Bones” Version 1. (which was totally more “Zen” like!)
October 16, 2011 at 10:44 am
Jackie L. Robinson
The second version really takes the reader to each step along the path of this stone. We can envision ourselves taking this journey, becoming more and more of who we are as we read. Janece is right on–rich and descriptive. xo
October 16, 2011 at 1:22 pm
zendictive
wow, such great responses (!_!)
my thoughts are about the same, I like them both
#1 is zen like (which is its intention)
#2 is more in depth and tells the rocks story
both have great qualities…
thank you all for your comments and advise
October 16, 2011 at 5:25 pm
Fergiemoto
I prefer the second one. I like the story and variety of images evoked in my mind when I read it, and it feels softer. It’s interesting that I’ve attempted more haiku and shorter poems, but am drawn to the longer one in this case. Either way, nice poetry.
October 17, 2011 at 1:32 pm
zumpoems
My personal preference is slightly in favor of the first, but that is because I am more slightly biased towards a result-oriented approach as opposed to an experience-oriented approach.
The ending “a rolling stone becomes well rounded” is more effective in the first approach. However, if one is focused on experience, the longer poem provides a more varied and extended experience.
It is like when telling a joke — one can make elaborations which makes the jouney to the end more interesting but it does lessen the impact of the punchline — or one can set up the punchline perfectly, making that the reason for the storytelling.
On a trip to a destination, does one focus on reaching the destination — or does one enjoy the process of getting there?